Confessions of a Reluctant Pastor

MLK 2012

2012-01-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

“All the ends of the earth will remember and turn to the LORD, and all the families of the nations will bow down before him” Psalm 22:27

One of my heroes is Martin Luther King, Jr. As the leading voice of the Civil Rights Movement, he was an American C.S. Lewis. Although the injustices of the slave industry had ended almost a century earlier, King lived in a world where Blacks and minorities were still systematically oppressed. With eloquence and creativity, King spoke out against the sin of racism that was embraced by so many in America. And it cost him his life.

Each year we take time to reflect on King, our culture, and the Gospel of Jesus. King saw that Jesus not only took the punishment for our sins but ushered in spiritual renewal that could change a person at the soul level. King recognized that racism is a spiritual issue that goes beyond laws and government. God’s Kingdom is marked by forgiveness, mercy, and justice and is open to all people regardless of race, status, or nationality. The Gospel allows people to cross over boundaries that separate and exclude as together we glorify the Creator of all nations, Jesus Christ. Just as Jesus stopped to talk with a Samaritan woman (a cultural offence in His time) we, too, are called to cross social boundaries as we seek to love our neighbors and our enemies. As we praise God for what He did through the life of King, we must ask ourselves what areas of our culture and church are still suffering the effects of racism, prejudice, or injustice. We need a powerful savior, Jesus, to rescue us and transform our hearts so that we can love others.

Think about the vision of God’s Kingdom from Revelation. Allow it to stir your hearts toward creatively loving our city and world: “And they sang a new song, saying: ‘You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God persons from every tribe and language and people and nation. You have made them to be a kingdom and priests to serve our God, and they will reign on the earth.’” Revelation 5:9-10.

Irrelevant?

2011-08-15T10:00:00.001-07:00

Why doesn't the guy with tattoos all over his face come to our church?

Church Is Like The Cereal Aisle

2011-08-04T16:36:00.001-07:00

“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent them draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day.”
John 6:44

It’s easy to forget that church is not about me. I often approach my Sunday experience like I approach the cereal aisle at the grocery store. Which cereal is on sale? (Easiest to get and doesn’t cost me much) Which cereal tastes best? (Satisfies my needs according to my standards) Which box catches my eye? (Best design, best color, best message) Are there any new cereals? (So I can compare them to my current favorite) It becomes all about me and my needs. I often get caught up in the desire to have my needs met rather than answering Jesus’ call for us together to serve others and die for them. My prayer is that the church I work at would continue to grow. That students and families would be drawn to our group not because of how flashy and trendy it is, how fun it is, how technological it is, how well I teach, how many camps we go to, or how big the group gets. My prayer is that people are attracted to Jesus’ presence in our group. I believe that God is at work drawing people to Himself. One of the big ways He does that is through the transformed and redeemed lives of His people as they gather in communities and go out into the world telling the story of Jesus and letting their light “shine before others, that they may see our good deeds and glorify our Father in heaven.”

Don't Call Me Pastor

2011-08-04T16:08:00.003-07:00

I feel strange when people call me Pastor Dustin. In fact, I usually discourage people from doing so. I'm not ashamed of being a pastor. I'm rather excited that God has called me to a vocation such as this. But I just don't see where the position of pastor has some lofty, honored place in the New Testament writings. I don't see the early church going around saying "Well hello there Pastor So-And-So." I do see that church leaders are called by God to train, mentor, protect, and teach but they are always doing this in the midst of their community. I don't see positions of prominence but I do see a pattern where each person has a vital role to play. Sure, God calls people to positions of leadership but he also calls us to submit to one another, to sacrifice for one another, to serve one another, and to act as a living body not an institution. The kingdom flips the world upside down - the last shall be first and the first shall be last.

I'm a leader in a church but the church is bigger than me. When we give people titles and labels the danger is that these people become viewed as "special" or as "the people who do the real ministry." I also see in our culture that we elevate certain leaders because of their personality, charisma, or communication ability. We try to read all their books or attend their church or sit in on their classes and conferences. We have a strong cult of personality and that makes my stomach turn. I'm a pastor. It's what I do. And I'm also just a guy who struggles with lust, with outbursts of anger at my kids, with sleepless nights. I need a savior and the power of God to change me. And I need a local church that works together to do the work of God's kingdom.

Why Did She Die?

2011-06-20T07:55:00.004-07:00

"And all my wife wants to know is why our granddaughter died."
We were talking about young kids. I have daughters and he has granddaughters. A few years ago his wife had cancer and ended up in the hospital. At the same time their two year old granddaughter was diagnosed with leukemia. The granddaughter died. The grandmother survived. There was pain in his eyes. How could it be that someone so young should die and someone who had lived a long life survive? In my mind I worked through a list of churchy answers but none seemed appropriate. We stood there in silence.

A Voice Of Desperation

2011-05-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

A guy calls the church today. He says he's living in a low income studio apartment with his sister who's really sick. Neither of them can get consist work. It's the end of the month, they're broke and waiting for help from the government. But that doesn't get to them until next week. So the guy is asking me to help him through the weekend. I'm not the one who usually gets these calls. I'm not really sure what I can do. I know our church has a fund to help people and I also know we don't just hand out money to people who call. I try to be empathetic, to hear his story and get the details. I suggest he get in touch with some of the community organizations that assist with meals and temporary help. He tells me they've called and gotten nowhere. "They don't help you, man," he says, "If they do give you something it's not enough." Part of me thinks trust the process. If he's not getting help there might be a good reason. Or maybe he's just using me. His voice gets more shaky, like he's about to lose it, the tone of someone who has been told NO too many times. "They can spend money on stuff like this crazy royal wedding but we can't help out a brother in need." Then he gets quiet. I don't know what to say. He's right. I'm greedy. We're all greedy. I start thinking about him and his sister in a low income studio apartment. I remember those from our work at Maya Lina. Then I think about the walls in our house we just painted and the sprinkler system we're putting in. He's breathing heavy. He's thinking about who to call next or what to do. There's silence until he finally says "Alright, bye." I'm not in a position to give him anything from the church but here's a guy, truthful or deceptive, his fault or not, that is in a really awful situation. I can't help everyone and neither can a church. We have limits at some point. I know our city has resources but I still feel unsettled. Maybe I'll call him back. I read the manual for our phone system and discover that it doesn't store caller ID's.

Romero

2011-05-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

Just finished a movie based on the life of El Salvador's assassinated Archbishop Oscar Romero. In the 1970's he was killed for speaking out against the brutal injustices of the government. I appreciated the movie showing his spiritual struggle. Oscar is not a brave, confident man at the beginning. In fact, he is extremely soft spoken and remains silent, almost ambivalent, to the pain of the people around him. He admits that he is a man of books and is comfortable walking the middle ground of neutrality. He is given a position of leadership because those in power assume that he won't cause any trouble (some in the church accepted injustice because the government bribed them with certain benefits). Father Grande, a friend moved to tears about the injustice, asks Oscar: How can I love God who I can't see if I can't love the people I can see? The assassination of Grande stirs Oscar and moves him down a path that transforms him from quiet and meek to becoming the loud, prophetic voice of the oppressed. There is a powerful scene where we see Oscar's anger expressed for the first time as he shouts at a corrupt police officer. The movie doesn't sugar coat it: it's a slow struggle for Oscar to change and it's painful but in the end he is transformed. And in the end he dies for what he believes in. It got me thinking. Am I too quiet and neutral about the wrong things? In my desire to know God and his scriptures better have I become a man of books at the expense of being a man of the people? Or, have I accepted my fears and learned to live under their control when God is asking me to trust him?

It's Jealousy

2011-05-03T07:12:00.001-07:00

God, I confess that I have a lot of jealousy. And by jealousy I mean I covet what others have. I'm often told about what other churches are doing. Or ideas show up in the infinite church/ministry ads that fill magazines and catalogs. What others are doing always sounds so good. Crazy events, high energy programs that attract people, better teachers, creative services, better leaders, better organization, just better. This person got a degree from this school - wow! This person wrote a book - oh cool! This person leads a group this size - incredible! It seems that in church all we can measure with is attendance and image. How will I ever know if what I do and the way I do it is actually working? And what would it look like if it was? What I'm really longing for is confidence. Why am I unsure of what I do? Will I ever believe in myself? I've created false pressure. I've taught myself that if it's not good, not cool, not whatever, people will give up on it - ultimately giving up on me. I long for contentment. I've allowed jealousy to convince me that I'm not good enough and the grass is really greener on the other side. So I covet whatever it is that's attracting people elsewhere. And I've allowed other people's lack of commitment to be something that I am somehow responsible for. So forgive me, God. I operate out of my own energy. But what would it look like to be changed by you? You say that in our weaknesses we are made strong but what if we are weak when it comes to church leadership?

There Was A Small Effect

2011-05-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

I had the rare opportunity to have an extended conversation with a good friend from church. She is one of the few people that actively pays attention when I teach. She's at a place in life where there are big changes coming soon and big decisions to be made. And she is trusting God. I often wonder if anything at all is happening spiritually with the people I lead. My time with them is limited and on the surface things don't often change. But the truth is that some people really do show up, some really do want to follow Jesus and live out their faith. When I see God moving in the lives of others I categorize it as a small effect. You know, small effects can lead to big changes. I'm waiting for the big thing to come. The miracle. The amazing end result. That is so wrong. At least from a spiritual perspective. What I call small is really a description from my very limited viewpoint. Who knows what God is actually up to? Maybe what looks like a small decision, a small change in life style, a small success, a small victory is really something huge in someone's life and in God's kingdom. I need to get away from downplaying what God is doing. A small effect just might lead to big results but more often the "small" thing I see happening is the mighty work of God even if the result doesn't fit my misguided definition of "big results." My friend is forming a small Bible study with people from her school. I'm so proud of her. I'm sure this is proof that God is doing huge things in the world.

Living At The Feet Of My Friends

2011-04-15T09:53:00.002-07:00

God, I desire to give my life to the people in my community. But I'm selfish. I rarely give them my whole self. And what I give them is usually fabricated. I'm greedy. I spend my time praying about my needs and my energy is directed toward my happiness. I'm not content. Though I often talk about the grass not being greener on the other side, I often take exploratory walks there. Deep down I believe I am entitled to have it all. And I know I'm not the only selfish one. Many in my community are selfish, too, as they ask me to bend the rules or make exceptions for their needs. I grow tired of people talking only about themselves. I don't know how to love as you love.

I'm trying to be committed to my community and yet many of us freely jump from church to church, relationship to relationship, looking for that perfect situation we believe we deserve. I see the selfishness that drives us to search frantically for a church that makes us comfortable, that is better than the rest, that is somehow more holy. And I wonder God, if I wasn't paid to be here, what would I do? I struggle through the music and lengthly lectures on Sunday. I struggle without significant friendships. Would I be committed to this local community? Or would I just give up and move on, too?

I remember that you got down on your knees and washed the rottenness from the feet of your friends. You are the king of a kingdom that forces us to break the mirror of our selfishness and look past our wall postings, our friend count, and even our own needs. You ask us to wash feet because that is where true commitment is found. Help us to be content with the daily bread you provide and give us a desire to know and love people so deeply that it compels us to committed sacrifice. How do I live at the feet of my friends?

Dating A Fool

2011-04-14T06:10:00.001-07:00

God, a young girl I know is dating a fool. And it's not the first fool she's dated. I've met this guy only once and was not impressed. I don't have a good feeling about him. But this girl keeps on dating fools. I asked her about dating. She hates to be single. She hates to be lonely. She says it with such sincerity that I sense pain and disappointment behind the words. The loneliness that stirs in her soul is a painful voice. It's a thirst she can't seem to quench. She's dated more guys than she can remember. Why does she date so much? She avoids answering my question.

Her longing to be loved, to be needed, to be captivating to men, pulls her into relationship with fools. How many guys will she date before she realizes they can't calm the desperation in her soul? What will it take for her to find the romance that only you can provide? You once told a woman that you offer water that quenches all thirst, that brings eternal life. Let us drink of that water, Jesus. Let our souls be filled with the life you desire for us. And so I have to watch this girl's parade of fools - guys that are not gentlemen, not compassionate warriors, guys that are not ready to own your example of sacrificial love. It's difficult to watch my friends make choices that have painful consequences. And what can I do but pray and ask her tough questions?

He's The Opposite Of You

2011-04-13T18:06:00.001-07:00

Some friends were talking about another pastor they know (it seems they divide their time between our church and other churches). They mentioned that this guy is a crazy driver and he is quite a large man. "Oh, he's the opposite of you," one said. "In every way," said the other. I guess I'll take that as a compliment.